Documenting Laughter

The past few months have provided so much more freedom to experience joy around here.  Now I can laugh so much more readily with my kids and even (sometimes!) at them.  This is a big change for us, because Mommy hasn't laughed much in the past.  But times, they are a changin'!

One thing I've found about dynamic periods of change is that they're full of exhilaration at the time, but I quickly forget them.  It's sad but true.  I'm like the Israelites in the Bible who quickly complain that they want to return to Egypt; even when God is leading them with a pillar of fire and feeding them with manna.  Instead of realizing or remembering all the goodness of God, they begin missing the "leeks" and other foods back in stinky-ol'-slavin'-away Egypt.

Anyway, at some point in the Bible, God tells people to start recording all the miracles he does for them, so they don't forget.  And at some point, they start building little shrines to help them remember.  They call them........wait for it now........Ebenezers. 

Yeah, weird word....as in Scrooge, Cratchit, et. all.  But it has nothing to do with that.  Except that it is Christmas time right now, so it relates in a bizarre sort of non sequitur way.  Merry Christmas.

But back to the Ebenezers in the Bible.  They were simply a way for people to memorialize or record something awesome that God did.  And since most people back then didn't write, they couldn't just write it down.  So, they built up some rocks, or did other stuff that would help them remember: an Ebenezer.

But, nowadays, most of us read and write.  And that makes things easier.  So that's a little bit of what this blog is for me, because it's kind of like an Ebenezer in a crazy digital way.  It's a record, anyway.  One of the things that I want to record is God's work in my heart as evidenced by laughter.  So now, because this is totally a stream of consciousness post, I'm going to relay a 3-second snippet of my day that made me laugh until a tear rolled down my cheek. 

I laughed because I could, more than because it was funny.  I laughed because God loves me, and I love my kids, and I don't have to live in fear any more.

Overheard today.  The scene:  My 4 year old girl is dressed in a fairy costume.

"I'm Tinkerbell.  (pause)

I don't really have control.....of my hair.  I'm not having a very good day with my hair.  (pause)

But I'm Tinkerbell."

It really made me laugh.  And maybe the Christmas reference shouldn't be overlooked, because I hope to record this as The Christmas We Laughed Again.  And I'm going to make sure we don't forget what a blessing that is.

Advent: Waiting for Someone who Loves You

Sometimes I go to Al-Anon.  It's a support network for people in a relationship with an alcoholic.  I'm not actually in a relationship with an alcoholic.  That's not why I go.  I go, 'cause I'm a rebel.  I'm wild like that.  Well, technically I lied.  I do have several alcoholics in my life, but most of them are sober, and have been for years.  (According to Al-Anon and AA, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  Even if you haven't had a drink in years, you're still a "recovering" alcoholic.)  The idea is, the alcoholism still affected me.  And, frankly, I'm pretty sure that's true.  Anyway, that's another long, hairy story.  And we're not doing hairy today.  (So don't look at my legs.)

Today, we're doing uplifting.

Well, the night before Thanksgiving, I was playing a round of my most favorite game.  Some of you know it.  It's called "Stare at the Ceiling at Three A.M. and Wonder How You Got Into This Bloody Mess."  Sometimes I refer to it as "SCATAWHYGITBM" for short.  It's entertaining and all, but it gets old after a while.  Finally I started praying, since prayer is right up there on my list with "SCATAWHYGITBM."

Anyone else out there struggle with prioritizing prayer?  Is anyone else even out there??  Ahem. 

Anyway, as I was talking to God, I found myself telling Him, "Yeah, God, I know you love me.  I mean, I've kinda known it my whole life.  I've seen it clearly in the past, and I can read about it in the Bible.  But.....it would be really nice to just.....sorta.....hear from you again about that; to hear again that you love me.  What I'm trying to say, God, is that I could really use some proof right now." 

And that was basically how God and I wrapped up the night.  I managed to get to sleep after that, and by  morning, the only reminders of my little chat with the Almighty were the bags under my eyes.   Oh wait, those are there every day.  So, I didn't have any reminders.

Alright.  Coming back to my Al-Anon meetings.  I got up and went to one that morning.  I try to go every Thursday.  Yes, I even went on Thanksgiving because I'm so screwed up hardcore like that.  And the topic that morning was (of course) Gratitude and Thanksgiving.  And lots of people shared their Gratitude Lists.  It was an open share group, and we talked about what we were thankful for, even in difficult circumstances, and how gratitude helps us keep things in perspective.

Then, at the conclusion of the meeting, when we were all feeling warm and fuzzy, the group leader suddenly changed directions with a comment that absolutely floored me.  She said,

"Okay.  Now, I want each and every one of you to think of all those things on your list that you are thankful for.  Right now."  I easily envisioned my four beautiful children, my extended family and friends, my home, and a myriad of other blessings.

"Now say to yourself," she continued, "Every single one of those is proof that my Higher Power (God!) loves me!"

The memory of my three a.m. prayer came flooding back over me.   Those were the exact words I'd used: "God, can you show me some proof that you love me?"  It had been just a few short hours earlier!  I had begged God for proof, and there it was in black and white.  He did, indeed love me.  And all the blessings in my life were the proof.  Why hadn't I seen it before?  God had answered my prayer.

Since Thanksgiving, it's been just a little easier for me to say, "Okay, God.  I'm gonna trust you here, because I've got proof that you love me.  Thanks for giving me that, in the midst of a tough time."

Frankly, I'm just amazed that God answered the pitiful prayer of a girl who didn't even take time out of her day to really talk to Him....just squeezed in a desperate plea between bouts of insomnia.  I can't believe He was listening.  If He was listening to me, He's definitely listening to you.  I couldn't have asked for a kinder, gentler, way for God to start my Advent.  It's a different season, when you're waiting for Someone who loves you.  I'm putting that on my Gratitude List.

linking to

Sometimes you just need a good kick to the jaw

For about two weeks, I've been plagued with fairly severe jaw pain.  It came out of nowhere, and I've never experienced it before.  One side of my jaw hurt like heck if I chewed or opened my mouth.  God forbid I forget to stifle a yawn: ouch!  I finally resorted to Ibuprofen around the clock to deal with the pain.  I don't know if it was TMJ or what.   (I don't even know what that is.  But I used to have a friend who complained about it all the time, and it sounded good.)

I had a visit to the dentist scheduled for some tooth work, so I asked her about it.  She advised me to "rest" the jaw and treat it very carefully.  She told me to eat soft foods, and try not to "stress" the jaw.  Don't open it too wide.  Don't chew hard stuff.  Give it time to heal.  In a word: baby it.

Anyway, two nights ago a certain high-maintenance child of mine (ahem! naming no names!) was up crying at 1:00 in the morning.  What started as a nightmare turned into a little tantrum, and devolved into some kicking and screaming, even though I offered to let the child spend the rest of the night in my bed.  Long story short, I ended up getting kicked in the jaw.  It was an accident, but boy did it hurt!  I thought to myself, "Great. That's the last thing I needed, when I was already hurting."

And then, suddenly the pain was gone.  All the pain.  The next morning I woke up pain-free for the first time in two weeks.  A few days later, the pain hasn't returned.  What on earth??  No clue.  But I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. (har! har!)

And this made me start thinking about how many times in our life we let the status quo dictate our behaviour, even in a really bad situation.  We tiptoe around, try not to disrupt things, and baby it.  But nothing really gets better.  Nothing is actually healing.  How long could we go on like that? 

Maybe forever.

But if we're lucky, suddenly, by our own actions, or something outside ourselves, we may get a swift kick to the jaw, and the situation is relieved.  Knocked back into balance.  And the painful jolt may come in the form of changes that we would never have had the courage to bring about on our own.  (I never would have been willing to get kicked in the jaw, if the choice was up to me!)  But once administered, the blow may have restorative, healing powers that we never saw coming; even if it seems like the last thing we need when we are already hurting.

Is this what Hebrews 12:6 is trying to say?

"Because the Lord disciples the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his [child.]"

I don't know, but it's got me thinking about the other areas of my life where I've already received a good kick to the jaw......or where I may still be needing one.

Crazy Peace

Let's just face it.  Sometimes it hurts too much to laugh.  Sometimes laughter isn't even appropriate.

The death of a loved one.  Pain visited on a child.  Senseless violence.

And for me, more recently: Rejection.  Cold, hard, rejection is one of those things that can cause so much pain that it's really hard to even breathe, much less laugh.  For me, rejection, coupled with betrayal (secrecy, deception or outright lies) causes one of the most bitter forms of pain.  At many points in the last few months, not only has it been too painful to laugh, it would have been inappropriate, since some revelations have signified a descent into such a place of darkness for a person I once loved and trusted that nothing joyful can immediately emerge.  I can trust that in time, there can be a joyful end...but now?  There's nothing joyful about it.

So in the midst of darkness, if you can't laugh, is there an alternative?  Are we left with only sadness, anger, bitterness or fear?  Is time the only healer?

After doing some searches in the Bible, although Laughter and Joy are powerful themes in the book, there are other themes that call out to me as well.  The theme of Peace is one of them.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Shortly after my marriage fell apart, I felt strongly led, and was even given a "word from the Lord" from a friend that I needed to

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Of course that phrase is thrown about so much it's cliche.  A no-brainer, right?  But in the most turbulent of circumstances, it doesn't seem like a no-brainer at all.  In fact, it seems counter-intuitive, since everything around me has led me to take action.  And, in fact, I had to take action.  But how can I take action and also "Be still?"  How can these two ideas coexist?  Gradually, I am beginning to see that they can.

I'm trying to understand it.  But I don't know how well I've done.  I've felt strongly led to go spend some time at a local monastery in prayer, but I haven't made it out there yet.  My time without children is still so little, and it's an hour or so drive each way.  My life doesn't lend itself to being still.  There isn't much apparent peace around me, either.  I've got four kids.  Pretty loud kids.  Pretty crazy kids.

I don't have all the answers, that's for sure.  But I do know this.  I need to know more about Peace.  God's peace.  Sometimes the Bible calls it "Peace that passes all understanding."  To me, that means "Peace that doesn't make sense."  Well, how about, "Crazy peace?"  Is that an oxymoron?  I don't know, but maybe that should be added to my list of things the "new me" is learning more about.

Crazy peace.  Yeah, that's got a certain ring to it.  I'm on it.

George Bailey's Turning Point

Today (although she doesn't know it) I'm linking up to a blogger who I follow and enjoy.  Each week on Sundays, Melissa at 320 Sycamore posts an inspirational thought that she calls Courage For The Week.

Today, she posted a clip from It's A Wonderful Life, where George Bailey prays his famous tavern prayer.  I never knew before that as Jimmy Stewart filmed that scene, he had a very profound experience himself.  I watched the clip, and read Jimmy Stewart's commentary on it, and I am struck by how it resonates with my post yesterday.  Each of us will stand at our own "turning point."  We will realize we must ask for "God's protection and care with complete abandon."  George Bailey is at that place in this scene.

Jimmy Stewart wrote an article for Guideposts magazine about the prayer.  As a film studies major in school, I know how painstaking the editing process is.  Back in the days before digital media, I can't imagine the labor involved.  I am in awe:

“As I said those words, I felt the loneliness, the hopelessness of people who had nowhere to turn, and my eyes filled with tears. I broke down sobbing. This was not planned at all, but the power of that prayer, the realization that our Father in heaven is there to help the hopeless, had reduced me to tears.

Frank (Capra, the director), who loved spontaneity in his films, was ecstatic. He wanted a close-up of me saying that prayer, but was sensitive enough to know that my breaking down was real and that repeating it in another take was unlikely. But Frank got his close-up. The following week he worked long hours in the film laboratory, repeatedly enlarging the frames so that eventually it would appear as a close-up on the screen. I believe nothing like this had ever been done before. It involved thousands of enlargements with extra time and money. But he felt it was worth it…” ~Jimmy Stewart, Guideposts.

Stewart goes on to describe how, despite high hopes, the film was a box office flop.  A total failure.  But inexplicably, it "wouldn't die."  It eventually became one of the most beloved films of all time, eventually called an "American cultural phenomenon."  Stewart wraps up the article by saying,

"Well, maybe so, but it seems to me there is nothing phenomenal about the movie itself. It's simply about an ordinary man who discovers that living each ordinary day honorably, with faith in God and a selfless concern for others, can make for a truly wonderful life." 

Thanks, Melissa, for letting me link over to you.

Quote for today: Half Measures Availed us Nothing

Although AA was originally founded for the benefit of alcoholics, I have found that the 12-steps are applicable to almost anyone, in whatever struggle they may find themselves.  Insert whatever your own problem is, and the 12-steps offer help and guidance.

Quoted directly from the AA Big Book, ch. 5

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  There are such unfortunates.  They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.  Their chances are less than average.  There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.....If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it--then you are ready to take certain steps. 

At some of these we balked.  We thought we could find an easier, softer way.  But we could not.  With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.  Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember what we deal with [insert your own, personal struggle here.] It is cunning, baffling, powerful!  Without help it is too much for us.  But there is One who has all power--that One is God.  May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing.  We stood at the turning point.  We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took:

1. We admitted we were powerless over [insert your own, personal struggle here]—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [others], and to practice these principles in all our affairs."